1) Check every form of social media possible. Because who doesn’t need to see your aunties holidays photos 12 times, that typical ‘in the club’ snapchat story and every other insomnia sufferers insomnia related tweet, because you know, insomnia.
2) Select a particularly boring episode of your favourite TV programme you’ve seen 5 times. Half close your eyes and hope for the best.
3) Find yourself scrolling through the photos on your phone. You shortly begin to reflect on how this is not the intended use of a phone, where are your incoming texts, whatsapp and Facebook notifications. How did you not realise your social life was this neglected?
4) Wonder where your friends have got to and post a casual message in the group chat about your insomnia. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend in the same situation they’ll reply and you’ll feel loved again. If not, you start sending message after message, an indirect plea hoping the vibration of someone’s phone wakes them and they reply ensuring you that you are not the only human being left on the planet.
5) Resort to a game. The Kim Kardashian game is addictive but requires too much waiting around – Candy crush it is. After a few minutes you realised you stopped playing this level for a reason and after the 10th attempt you give up and go back to thinking about how you wish you were asleep.
6) Suddenly, you are full of energy and crave the morning so you can go for that run you’ve been planning for six months. You decide tomorrow is the day the diet starts, you are determined and this time you really mean it. You can almost here the Zumba music of that class you’re going to attend next Wednesday. Victoria secret model body, here I come.
7) Following your new healthy lifestyle you check Instagram again and decide it would be a good idea to follow every healthy eating/exercise account out there. Who doesn’t need these positive reminders when on a lengthy health kick?
8) You then give up hope. All nighter it is, who needs sleep anyway – sleep is for the weak. You are ready to tackle the world. So you stick on some Netflix happy with the decision that insomnia is your friend.
9) After 2 episodes of Gossip Girl you think you feel your eyes getting heavy. Ha, who was I kidding you think, sleep here I come. If I slowly close my eyes and don’t move I’ll surely fall asleep …
10) When you find this didn’t work you get annoyed at yourself for the thoughts going through your brain, why were you cursed with a thought process that never stops. You’d give anything to just be asleep, you deserve it, you’re a good person; you never lie (except them 4 times), you give to charity (rarely). You decide life isn’t fair and somewhere amongst this angst and self-pity you fall into a well-deserved slumber.